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Walla Walla, WA
Wednesday, October 4, 2023

A Defense of the Bathtub

April 11, 2023
Ben Griffin

Putting a Plug in one of America’s Most Draining Debates

Ben Griffin

Over the millennia, bathers have cowered beneath the verbal abuse of showerers, but no more! 

There are some injustices in this world that you can’t just look over or let slide by. On some issues, you have to put your foot down and take a stand for what’s right. Today, I’m putting my foot down on bathtub blasphemy and tub-time trash-talk (gingerly so I don’t slip on the sudsy floor). Today, I’m standing up to the shower bourgeois (metaphorically, because baths are taken in a reclined position obviously).  

Why have bath-takers suffered such abuse? What makes shower-participants so certain of their stance? Like skincare routines, this controversey is complex, but becomes clearer over time.  

At the end of the day, showerers or bathers, we all need to dry off with a towel after our preferred cleansing routine. Boom, conflict averted. Photo from, by Engin Akyurt.

Let’s begin a thorough investigation of the arguments. The strongest anti-bath arguments are: 

  1. Baths waste water 
  2. Baths take too much time 
  3. Baths are less clean, you just soak in your own filth 
  4. Baths make me too hot 
  5. I don’t have a bathtub 
  6. Bathtubs have to be cleaned beforehand  

Time to rebuttal: 

  1. The amount of water you use is up to you. That’s why there’s a U in faucet. Also, don’t forget about water displacement. Even a few centimeters of aqua can immerse your body inside the tub once you displace it by gliding in. Further, bathwater can be shared with other people/pets (especially class amphibia pets), whereas there’s no way to share shower water  
  2. That depends on whether you’re taking a hygiene-maintenance bath, or a soaking-reflection bath. In the case of a maintenance bath, you can reduce the water heating time by boiling H2O in a kettle and adding that to the bath (just heat up twice as much as you need for coffee). Alternatively, you can reduce filling time by redirecting your gutters to sploosh directly into your bath so that it’s always full. You won’t even have to ask your butler to “drrrrraw a bauth.” *said in a Queen’s English accent*  
  3. Who is actually this dirty on a consistent basis? Certainly not the shower-elite, with their diverse stock portfolios and dispersed water spray. But let’s imagine you are that dirty. Big deal, just give yourself a sponge bath prior to your tub bath, it cuts down on the mud, crud, and blood that you’re (presumably) caked in.  
  4. Literally, you can adjust the temperature of the life-giving fluid, just like in a shower. Here, I’ll show you how: turn the knob on the right left and the knob on the left right. Ka-chow. If you’re still hot, you may be experiencing perimenopause.  
  5. Ok fine. 
  6. That depends on how much your roommates’ bodies disgust you. If your roommates/siblings/partner sloughs off that much bodily debris, just mix your next bath 50:50 water and baking soda. Side effects include a higher mouth pH and a clean smelling fridge.  

At this point, I expect any shower defenders among us are ready to throw in the towel, which means the bath champions should be ready to avert their eyes.  



  1. Bubbles: The suds are your buds. Their bubbles will wash away your troubles. Photo from, by Cristian Palmer.  
  2. Towel: At the end of the day, showerers or bathers, we all need to dry off with a towel after our preferred cleansing routine. Boom, conflict averted. Photo from, by Engin Akyurt. 
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