I’ve been in a relationship for about four months now. Sure, every relationship has its highs and lows, but in this relationship, our lows have just been little pauses before the next remarkable high, like a y = x3 graph. I want to share some of my natural relationship intuition and insight with those of you who aren’t doing so hot.
Insist on splitting every food or drink item. Backwash is the backbone of any relationship.
Ask them if they’re breaking out. They’ll appreciate your attentiveness.
Use social situations as an opportunity to passively get back at them for annoying you the day before.
Make sure to leave the car seat and mirrors in their car in the position that is most helpful to you after you drive it.
When they’re sick, protectively tell them you’ll see them in 4-6 days, once they’re not contagious and symptoms have worn off. Two sick people are worse than one, and you don’t want to make them sicker with, you know, germs or something.
When you’re upset, rather than telling them why (if you know), take the opportunity to lash out sarcastically to keep them guessing. If your partner likes Sudoku and whatever, they’ll love this.
Your partner is lactose or gluten intolerant. Well, you’re not. Keep cooking the way you cook, your partner doesn't want you to become someone you’re not, plus they’ll be impressed with how much spine you have.
Get your skeptical spectacles out, because it’s the perfect time to get suspicious about your partner’s opposite-gender friends. Everyone knows those don’t exist.
Comb their hair behind their ears and brush away their tears. Any time there’s a sleep crusty, or a crumb or a leafy green in their teeth, make a point of reaching over and picking it off their body. Again, that’s incredibly attentive. Eating the particles afterwards is optional.
Take their comments about your feet seriously. I mean you don’t even like your feet, why should they? They just should. The sooner you feel bad for yourself, the sooner this major pitfall in your relationship can be cured.
As a compliment, try saying either, “Woah you have so many clothes!” or “Wow, you do not have many clothes,” depending on what the situation calls for.
Compare waist-sizes. Guaranteed to be a positive bonding experience.
Wince anytime they breathe in your face without brushing their teeth. It’s the only way they’ll learn how to be a compatible companion.
Tell them their sense of humor is so funny, it’s just like a kid’s. Even though you’re 21. That one always feels good...
Relationships are about give and take. Take their phone charger, you’re just borrowing it. When they buy another one, take that one too.
Leave the stove on repeatedly. It’s bad for trust, but it makes it easier to cook make-up pancakes.
Wash the dishes, but only the ones you directly benefitted from. If you didn’t eat any falafel, then you don’t need to wash the falafel pan.
Use their face lotion for your body, then play dumb. Who knows where the face ends and the body begins?
Refuse to turn on the fan after using the bathroom. Any ambient noise will detract from your ability to actively listen to them.
Keep their last name in your contact. There’s lots of Bens in your phone, how are you supposed to know which one you’re talking too?
Ring their doorbell. The more formal your entry, the better.
When they say pre-fer-ably, you say pre-fer-bly.
When they say accusatory, you say accusational.
Tickle them when they need a supportive hug. Laughter is the best medicine, especially if they’re going into medicine...
Jog two inches behind them, so you’re breathing directly into their cochlea.
Only keep ugly photos of them in your camera roll. If they’re even a solid 5.5/10 in a photo, it needs to be deleted forever